Hannah Grades 'The Bachelorette' Season Premiere!

I always say that I “won’t be watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette this season,” but if you know me well at all, you know this is a lie.  If it isn’t a lie, then I’ll end up changing my mind once the premiere pops up on my television!  Anyway, much like I did HERE last season, I will be grading tonight’s premiere!  Time to live-blog this thing! 

The Previews and Pre-Meetings:

I’m not sure how much I like Desiree.  I didn’t like her with Sean, but I think I’ll like her now that she’s on her own season. (2 points for optimism!)  Really though, I hope she finds a good guy on this season!  (3 points for her great taste in clothing, but -2 for the corniness of this whole intro! Yuck!) (Yes, I do realize that I am watching The Bachelorette.)  (-1 point for all the crying I’m anticipating from Desiree this season, like she has cried for the majority of the show up until this point.) 

So, it’s time to meet some of the guys.  Bryden has only had one serious relationship 4-5 years ago, and is in the army.  He seems like a nice guy, and he’s excited about it being Desiree!  Will “loves life” and he seems like an outgoing guy!  He claims that he already “LOVES THIS WOMANNNN!!” (-2 points for this.  You don’t even know her!)  Drew seems like a really nice guy, I could see that working out.  Nick R. is super obnoxious, but he may or may not be the next Barney Stinson with all of his suits!  He’s a magician!  Will we be seeing some tricks when he meets Desiree?  They show Zak, and I think he’s the shirtless guy from the previews.  They show him on a balcony naked, so.. pass.  Robert is a sign spinner!  (1 point for this completely random job!)  He’s a cute guy!  I think I’ll probably end up liking him if he stays!  Mike R. has great bone structure so I’m giving this (2 points) like, it’s that good. 

Points for this round: 3 points
Current total of points: 3 points

The Meetings:

Desiree and, host, Chris high five before Desiree meets all
of the guys. (ABC)

• Drew:  The first to meet Desiree and I really like him.  He seems to happy to be there & to meet Desiree.
• Brooks:  Another Brooks in the summer reality TV world.  His first meeting is, dare I say, awkward!
• Brad:  He brings a wishbone and obviously gave Desiree the winning side so her wish would come true.
• Bryden:  This guy is growing on me.  I think him and Desiree will be good together.
• Michael G:  He takes Desiree for a walk to the water fountain.  He goes searching to try to find the penny that she threw in when she met Sean, but he couldn’t find it.  He gives her a new penny to make a new wish.  (1 point for this, because it was pretty thoughtful and cute.)
• Kasey:  Kasey is my spirit animal!  Upon his first meeting, he tells of his love of hashtags.  #LetTheJourneyBegin (5 POINTS, BECAUSE BFFLS) (My sister called him Hashtag Kasey the Creeper.)
• Will:  He goes all intellectual on Desiree and she seems a bit confused.
• Mikey T:  This guy is super corny! (-1 point)
• Jonathan:  This guy gives her a fantasy suite date card.  This is extremely awkward and she tells him that she isn’t the “first night kind of girl.” (-2 ponts for weirdness)
• Zak:  He is the shirtless guy!  “Will you accept these abs?”  I think he was going for the Sean Lowe thing.
• James:  This guy is a snoozer and talks about growing old and getting fat.  And that loyalty means a lot to him. (-1 point for being an absolute snoozefest)
• Larry:  He’s a doctor! And he has glasses, so (1 point for smarties with glasses).  They dance, but something goes wrong and it sounds like her dress ripped!  But apparently it did not! LOL  Larry feels bad, but says that they should dance again another time.
• Nick R:  He brings a rose made out of napkins or something and does a trick where he set it on fire. 
• Zack K:  This guy is wearing converse!  (2 points for converse!)
• Diogo:  He’s the knight in shining armor from the previews and pictures.  He’s barely able to move at all and it takes like a whole half hour for him to walk up to Desiree.  His first words were muttered and “You look.. like a princess!”  But something about this whole thing was comical.  Still, (-2 points for the corniness of it all.)

 “Don’t go near the water.  You’re probably not going to float!” –one of the guys, to Diogo

• Chris: Cute!  He gets down on one knee and asks if he can tie his shoe! (2 points)  He is funny!!  
• Mike R:  That bone structure.  He says he will be her McDreamy and McSteamy! 
• Robert: He takes his tie off because he’s not a tie guy.
• Juan Pablo:  Why do you have such a long name?  He gives her some chocolate!
• Brandon:  He pulls up on a motorcycle.  He kinda looks like a jerk, to put it nicely!
• Brian:  He switched it up and didn’t wear a suit.
• Micah: “Do you love it?” (Big Brother Canada!)  He designed his own suit to match how she once designed her own dress last season!
• Nick: He wrote her a poem and she loved it.  (I think Ryan wrote poetry for Trista!)
• Dan:  He’s so happy that it’s her.  He reminds me a little of Pickel from America’s Most Smartest Model!
• Ben:  He brought his son Brody with him!  The little boy is SO cute!  (-2 points for introducing the kid already though.  It’s a bit soon.  But 3 points for Brody being sad he couldn’t go to the party!)

Points for this round: 6 points
Current total of points: 9 points

The Night/Desiree Getting to Know the Guys:

Kasey says “Hashtag I want a rose!”  Can this guy be the guy?  I mean, imagine it.  “Hashtag will you marry me?”  THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN. (3 points for this even being a possibility.)  Nick R. starts things with a trick and reinstates that he’s a magician.  His trick is to make her disappear for 5 minutes, which is disappointing for the guys, but clever/funny to Desiree.  Brandon is mad that he wasn’t the first person that she talked to, so he goes and breaks up the meeting and asks Nick R. to disappear for 5 minutes.  I was right.  Brandon is a jerk!  He gives her his mom’s sobriety coin and asks that during hometown dates that she give it back to his mom.  He claims that he thinks he just met his wife. (-4 points!! GROSS! GO away!)

Desiree really seems to like Ben.  She gives him the first rose of the night because she sees him as husband material.  The guys are annoyed by Ben because they think he sees himself as the frontrunner.  Shirtless Zak becomes pantsless Zak. “HASHTAG SHRINKAGE!” (Kasey actually said this. I’m lol’ing.)  She disappeared, but she still ended up giving him a rose for jumping in the pool. (-2 points because I found this to be a little lame)  I really like Bryden and Desiree together!  She gives him one of the roses!!  Desiree loves Juan Pablo’s accent and is very smitten with him right off the bat.  They play some soccer. (I would be smitten too, at this point!)  A bunch of the guys come out and play soccer with them.   Actually, I think all of the guys ended up going outside.

(ABC)

Drew and Desiree share a lot of laughs and she ends up giving him a rose.  They’re another pairing that I like, but I still really like her and Bryden together the most.  Larry is worried that he’ll go home because of his failed dance move.  He goes to talk to her and apologize and she didn’t even seem to care that it had happened!  Their conversation is quiet and awkward, so she asks him if he’s sleepy.  LOL!  (3 points) Jonathan is weird!  He offered the room key for the fantasy suite and believes that after she meets all of the other guys, she’ll reconsider it.  “I’m going to get Desiree alone and try to kiss her on the mouth)  (-3 points for Jonathan being such a creeper!)  He keeps bringing up the fantasy suite in their talk and she is kinda weirded out by him, or so it seems.  He says he was trying to be funny and it just didn’t come across.  She tries to get away so he says they can talk until someone else takes her away.  “She doesn’t want to go to the fantasy suite.  I don’t know what’s wrong with her?”  Jonathan seems a little kookoo.  (-2 points for Jonathan being such a casting fail.  They wanted entertaining weird, but what we got is the kind of weird that makes you feel like you need to hide in a corner for fear of Jonathan coming and dragging you down a dark hallway!  Like he did with Desiree!) 

Jonathan goes and pulls him away for a third time, apparently.  He tries to drag her into the fantasy suite and she tells him that she feels very uncomfortable.  “Hashtag fantasy suite fail, Jonathan”  Did I mention that I love Kasey?  Anyway, Desiree is so creeped out by Jonathan that she asks him to leave before the rose ceremony even begins.  She says that he didn’t seem like he was there for the right reasons.  Desiree returns so Chris interrupts and says that it’s now time for the rose ceremony to begin.

Points for this round: -5 points
Current total of points: 4 points

The Rose Ceremony:

HASHTAG KASEY GOT A ROSE!!! (3 points! HASHTAG HOLLA! Hashtag Hansey) So she sent home Diogo (the knight in shining armor), Larry (the awkward doctor), Nick R. (the magician), Micah (the guy that made his own suit), and Mike R (THE GUY WITH GREAT BONE STRUCTURE!) (-4 FOR ELIMINATING THAT BEAUTIFULLY SHAPED FACE, DESIREE!)

Points for this round: -1 point
Current total of points: 3 points

Previews for the Entire Season:

It looks like there’s going to be a lot of drama, and apparently one of the guys punches another guy at some point. (2 points)  Also, one guy there apparently has a girlfriend and there is a girl that ends up showing up at the mansion and yelling at him. (-1 point)  There is some James drama because apparently he is only there to try to become the next Bachelor.  (-2 points. Gross.)  There is going to be a LOT of crying on this season, it seems. (I would take away points for this, but I already anticipated this at the beginning of the show and took away for it then.)  It looks like Drew and Desiree and Bryden and Desiree will be good together this season. YAY!  This season looks like it will good!  I’m pretty excited and I’ll try to avoid spoilers as much as possible! (5 points for optimism!)

“HASHTAG NOT TOO IMPRESSED” -Kasey

Points for this round: 4 points
Current total of points: 7 points

Desiree and all of the guys (ABC)

When I graded Sean’s season, I ended with 5 points and estimated that to being a C+, so I think a 7 is B- material.  Overall, I didn’t mind the premiere, but it was very cookie cutter and a little boring at times.  I think this season will be better than what the premiere set it up to be, but it always appears to be that way!  I will continue watching the show, and I hope you do too! Let’s avoid these spoilers together, people!

Did you watch the premiere?  If so, did your thoughts line up with mine or were they completely different?  Let me know in the comments below!  Or you can always tweet me @theonlytrace or @AustHansWorld.   I’m like, Hashtag Always On Twitter.

As requested, here is my exact order (as of the premiere episode) of how I like the guys (most to least) (I don't even remember what a few of these guys look like OR who they were!  So this will probably all change after another episode or two!):

Bryden, Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Chris, Robert, Zack K., Michael G, Dan, Nick, Will, Ben, Brad, Mikey T, Brian, Brooks, Brandon, James, Shirtless Zak!